my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
