Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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