wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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