My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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