Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
