i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
