If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
