Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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