did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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