Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Text me some of your sweat
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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