My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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