The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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