the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
