I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
there is glitter all over my balls
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
