it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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