Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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