somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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