It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.