If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
