Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
