Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
