I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
