you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There r osticjed everywhere
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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