A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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