I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
