Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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