Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
