actually, I'm a sock model
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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