My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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