Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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