I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
