So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
