If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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