you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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