Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
