If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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