I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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