The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
