If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
