she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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