Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
