I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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