You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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