Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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