It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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