I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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