So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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