Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
why is half of my head shaved?
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