Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
