i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
