Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
