the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I currently don't understand fingers.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
