i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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