i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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