So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
