He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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