I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
